Windsors and Losers 
We aren’t judgmental. We just think it's fun to rank the royals.

• Up one point: Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall. She and Prince Charles released a set of photos featuring Camilla petting medical detection dogs. It’s almost as if they heard about our ranking system and decided to drop a bomb. 
• Neutral: The Queen believes her youngest son Edward’s wife, Sophie, is the royal family’s secret weapon. This after Allie’s mom said last week, “Edward? Never heard of him.”
• Down one point: Prince William and Duchess Kate. They keep broadcasting inspiring video messages from lockdown at their country home, Amner Hall. But a real charitable act would be varying their shooting locations so we can see the inside of their house. Is that too much to ask?  
• Down five points: It’s hard for him to go much lower, but watch Prince Andrew limbo down. His year is about to get even worse with the upcoming release of Prince Andrew: The End of the Monarchy and Epstein, which, among other tidbits, refers to him as “incredibly rude,” “lazy,” and “boorish.” Fergie, meanwhile, still hasn’t accepted our invitation to connect on LinkedIn.

How Do You Pronounce Cholmondeley Anyway?

The section in which we spend at least 20 minutes researching a topic and release the findings here.

When you are the Prince of Wales you get to play Sims with real people. So fun! 
 

This week we welcome you to Poundbury, the old-timey model village founded in 1993 and overseen by Prince Charles. There you will find buildings and homes to suit every style and taste, as long as your name is Prince Charles and you have only one taste: old.

Charles is a famous curmudgeon when it comes to modern architecture. Nothing bums him out more than a flat roof and reinforced concrete. This is the man who once said the rubble left after the bombing of cities in WW2 was better than the modernist buildings that replaced it. 

So when the town of Dorchester in Dorset, England needed expanding, Charles took it as an opportunity to build his ideal suburb according to the principles he laid out in his 1989 manifesto, “A Vision of Britain.” This meant neo-classical houses, traditional market squares, twee cottages, and small shops run by jolly locals. It’s sort of like the little town in Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood, except instead of Mr. Rogers you get Prince Charles.

There’s the Queen Mother’s Square (in homage to his late grandmother), the Duchess of Cornwall pub (a fitting homage to his wife Camilla), and businesses with names like The Buttermarket and Rainbarrow Farm. Frankly, it’s cozy. But then again, we’re American — so what do we know?

At first, Charles was widely mocked for Poundbury and its hodge-podge of old-fashioned architecture. It was dismissed as a “Feudal Disneyland” and “grimly cute.” One architect described it as “an over-sanitized middle class ghetto that has a whiff of resignation that there is nothing positive to live for so we must retreat to the past.” 

But people are coming around. For one thing, the plan for mixed-income housing is actually working. And Charles’s ardent environmentalism has ensured that Poundbury is a model of eco-friendly development. 

Rome wasn’t built in a day, and nor was “The Rome of Dorset” (no one is calling it that). Poundbury in all its glory will be done in 2026, which gives us just enough time to get our downpayment together for a flat above the Buttermarket.  - Eva

 

Elevenses

Referring to the traditional British tea and coffee break around 11 a.m., here are 11 ways we are indulging our unchecked, borderline problematic love for the U.K. from abroad this week.

1. National Treasure. The people of Great Britain are mourning the loss of Nigel, TV star. In addition to being a golden retriever, Nigel was a regular on the beloved BBC show Gardeners’ World, often stealing scenes from his owner and the show’s host, Monty Don. If this is the first time you’re reading about Monty Don and Nigel, you are forgiven for getting them mixed up. Monty Don is also an excellent name for a pet. R.I.P. Nigel.
    

2. A Friend in Need. If you didn’t quarantine with your hairdresser, did you even quarantine at all? Kate Moss is in lockdown with her hair stylist (and best friend) James Brown. Also along for the fun is Kate’s half-sister Lottie, whose lockdown selfies may look thirsty to some but are inadvertently showing the real thinkers out there how Kate Moss decorates.
    

3. Grand Designs. The next best thing to living in a real castle? Taking an online U.K. castles quiz. Okay, it’s not the next best thing at all, or even the third or fourth next best thing. But it will get you five minutes closer to a respectable cocktail hour. 
    

4. Behind the Camera. Chris Jackson, Englishman and royal photographer, didn’t get the memo about not dating at work; he married Natasha Archer, former assistant to Kate Middleton. Chris shed light on what is essentially his family business in a new interview, revealing that one learns to “expect the unexpected” when photographing Prince Harry and that a year of coordination went into organizing Prince Charles’s 70th birthday shoot. One month to plan the shoot and eleven to photoshop William and Harry standing next to each other.
    

5. Carbo-Loading. British actor Robert Pattinson shared an insane pasta recipe in a GQ interview that defies categorization, but involves pasta, sugar, cheese, red sauce, cornflakes, a hamburger bun, and a lighter. A Guardian editor earned his paycheck by trying to replicate the meal at home. As far as we know, both Robert and the writer are still alive. 
    

6. Keeping It Real. In The Telegraph, British comedian Romesh Ranganathan comes to terms with his three young kids getting “thicker” (translation: dumber) during lockdown.“I just think...they’ll recover,” he says. And — yes, we will tie this back to the royals — he describes performing for Will, Kate, Charles and Camilla. Of the latter two, Romesh says, “They laughed at everything. But I did feel the rest of the audience were waiting to see if they laughed before they felt comfortable to [do so] themselves.” 
    

7. Man’s Best Friend. Now we understand why Kate's brother James Middleton shaved shirtless on Instagram last week. The clever old boy was priming the Internet for the launch of his new pet wellness business, Ella & Co. We see what you did there, James. And we are not mad. 
    

8. Movie Madness.  Does the world need another adaptation of Great Expectations? The Guardian says no. But they are incorrect, for this one stars Tom Hardy.
    

9. Ask the Experts. Who better to advise on lockdown coping strategies than those who have voluntarily shut themselves away for fun, fame, and money? Vice UK asked former Big Brother contestants, all of whom retreated from society for long periods to tape reality shows, what helped them get by. One contestant reflects,“To keep busy we played endless games of cards, exercised, smoked cigarettes, baked bread, and actually talked with each other.” How novel.
    

10. No Can Do. No matter what British fashion writers advise, we will not be “taking summer's cutest short trend for a spin” by purchasing bermuda shorts. 
    
    11. Island Cuisine. Brits (and their supporters abroad, such as Eva and Allie) believe putting french fries between two pieces of white bread both constitutes a meal and a recipe worth writing down.

From the Horse’s Mouth
This is a column where we ask a British person about British things.  

Meet Natalie Pela, a woman of Britain. In addition to this huge accomplishment, Natalie is a yoga teacher, voiceover artist, singer, and member of the all-female Deep Throat Choir. 

“It’s surprisingly hard to find candid [photos] where I don’t have a drink in my hand” - Natalie


Q: How British are you? 
A: Me, my parents, and my grandparents were all born in Britain. I am the third generation of my family to be born in Great Britain, but some of the language (my grandparents would often throw in Yiddish words) and cooking (again grandparents’ influence — matzo-ball soup and chopped liver) have made me feel aware of and connected to my Jewish Eastern European roots.

Q: Apart from having the nationality bestowed on you at birth, what makes you British? 
A: My accent is a bit of a giveaway. Apparently, in my early years I was incredibly well-spoken — much more than any of my family — rather like the queen, in fact! Thankfully, my accent softened up over the years. But I guess to most I still sound quite well spoken, with a North London twang. 

Q: What do you like most about Britain? 
A: The different regional identities and accents.

Q: What cliché about British people is actually true? 
A: British people really are self-deprecating to a fault. When I think of almost every Brit I know, they will always play down their latest project, achievements, and find it really hard to take compliments.

Q: Favorite London pub? 
A: My local, the St. Johns Tavern in Archway, North London.

Q: What sort of exciting things have happened to you on the Tube?
A: The night Tube is a whole different animal to the daytime Tube; people are more open and chatty and more alcohol-fuelled! I was recently drawn into a volleyball-type game on the night tube, which went from a game of catch between a couple of friends to the whole carriage getting involved. Which would never happen on daytime Tube with our British reserve.

Q: Is Prince Charles a cool guy, in your view?
A: I wouldn’t say he is outright cool. He’s no Obama.

Q: Finally, and perhaps most importantly, please tell us about your favorite British snack. 
A: Twiglets! The ultimate old-school British snack. I love the knobbly irregular shape of them, and that delicious Marmite taste.

 

Who Is  ______ ? Coleen Rooney, a.k.a. "Wagatha Christie"
Great Britain is a tiny island with a disproportionately large number of sort-of-famous people no one in America has ever heard of. In this pointless weekly column, we will introduce you to Britain’s most beloved extremely minor celebrities.

Coleen Rooney seems to be single-handedly keeping the British newspaper industry afloat, inspiring a great number of headlines by doing the most banal activities. In the last week alone, I’ve been subject to: “Coleen and Wayne Rooney's Incredible Dining Table Is Almost as Big as a Football Pitch” and even “Coleen Rooney Cuts a Sporty Figure in Stylish Workout Gear as She Stocks Up on Goods For Her Family at the Supermarket Amid COVID-19 Lockdown.” Good God, who is this woman and why is her table better than mine?

Coleen, wife of soccer player Wayne Rooney, is one of the world’s most famous WAGs, up there with Victoria Beckham and Shakira. Coleen and Wayne met when she was 12, started dating when she was 16, and married at 22. They now have four sons. Wayne is a handful; one 2019 article referred to his ‘new’ hooker scandal, to differentiate it from all the other hooker scandals. He can’t even steer clear of drama during lockdown. 

But Coleen triumphs. She’s beloved in her homeland, perhaps because she embodies the keep-calm-and-carry-on spirit. But any way you slice it, Coleen Rooney is a made-in-Britain brand, rolling out Coleen-centric television shows, books, and ad campaigns. 

Perhaps Coleen’s greatest contribution to Anglo culture, however, is the “Wagatha Christie” scandal. Desperate to find out which of her friends was selling stories about her to the press, Coleen devised an MI5-level scheme to uncover the culprit. She limited who saw her Instagram posts, then began putting up fake stories. When Coleen’s sleuthing led her to accuse a fellow WAG as the rat, the story went viral. Think: “Footballers’ Wives at War!”

All of this, and our dear Coleen is still only 34. - Allie